Hysterical - had to share
Scene: in the Yamaha garage, roughly twenty minutes before the sighting lap for the MotoGP race. Valentino motions Colin over to the corner of the garage just out of everyone's earshot)
VALE: Colin, diss eess a beddy important race for Amedica, yes?
COLIN: F**kin-A, man. I sure hope I can clear off from Nicky so I can finish second to you, V.
VALE: Dat eess why I call to you to come. I have Beeeg plan for you. (stretches arms wide) Closer to me. Nobody to hear, OK?
COLIN: (Leans in) What's up?
VALE: I have beddy beeg points from Marco. Maybe sixty-one ahead. I wish to go cool and give you de race if you can catch Nicky. He eess beddy fast. You catch, you pass, you win, OK?
COLIN: (Shouts) Sh*t Fire! You'd do that for me? (slaps thigh)
VALE: Hey! Beddy quiet for plan is good, OK?
COLIN: (whispers) Riiiight, sorry.
VALE: You go catch Nicky. Have good time. MotoGP get big in Amedica from you. You get famous and rich and buy Texas, Yes?
COLIN: (shouts again) F**kin-A! Let's go! (Gives Valentino a forearm to the shoulder. Valentino trips over a pile of shop rags and farts as he gets up. Colin laughs so hard he shoots a booger out his left nostril.)
VALE: De pasta primavera, eet always make me do dis!
COLIN: (Yells) Hey, everybody! Valentino just sh*t his leathers!
During the race, Nicky motors away like he's shot from a cannon. Valentino rides at seven-tenths, and waits for habitual bad starter Colin to catch up. Colin sails past at eleven-tenths as Valentino mulls over what to have for dinner and which one of his umbrella girls will get a pearl necklace before bedtime. Valentino falls 3.5 seconds back as Colin tries to crawl under the paint in an effort to catch Nicky, who is doing an admirable job of lighting the afterburners every time the gap shrinks to under two seconds.
With two laps to go, Valentino gets startled awake by an air horn as he crests the ridge leading up to the Corkscrew. As he shakes the cobwebs out and yawns, he sees Colin ahead, too far from Nicky to make a run of any significance.
VALE: (Thinking) Colin, Colin, Colin, you are a beeg Amedican f**k-up. Now I have to go and make up for your, uh, how do you say....uh, imcompetence. Mister Yamaha ees at de track! How do you let thees happen?
The race results are as posted. Valentino, realizing an American one-two would be good press fodder, closes on Colin just enough to let him know who the alpha rider still is. Colin arrives at the podium so drenched with sweat he looks pressurized. Valentino, however, looks like he just got done watching a movie in his motorhome.
After the hoopla of post-race interviews dies down and the crowd disperses, the two teammates cross paths as the MotoGP circus folds up the tents.
COLIN: Hey, man, I want to thank you for that chance. Man, that little sh*t Nicky is faster than I thought. I tried, man. About next year, do you think--
VALE: Don't talk to me.
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!